Support - It’s Good to Know..
Additional Information about Conversation
Whilst you may not always know when and how to Support the Infertility Warrior in your life, you may be surprised that they dont always know either!
We encourage you to ask if it’s ok to ask.
For example “would you mind if i asked you about your ttc journey?” Or
“I was wondering if it’s ok for me to ask you how your ttc journey is going?”
(Special note : We’ve thrown in 'TTC' in the question because your warrior is likely to be impressed that you know the main acronym in their life)
Theres a long list of what doesn’t help but here are some handy hints :
- The R word (relax) is never what a ttc’er wants to hear. Instead try asking about what things your warrior is doing for themselves during their journey. You may be able to help them with this one.
- Buying a dog or a going holiday is not what a specialist will prescribe for infertility and neither should you. Instead try to acknowledge the greatness of the financial component of your warriors journey.
- Your friends-cousins-bestfriends-wife Betty might be an amazing hope story in your world, but not so in your warriors world. Try to provide hope and encouragement in other avenues.
- Silence is deafening, if you’re not reaching out because you don’t know what to say or how to help , we encourage you to let your warrior know that, but please stay in contact. It can feel lonely enough, without the deafening sounds of friends and family retreating far away from your infertility warrior.
- If adoption is a topic your infertility warrior would like to raise then chat away, but it can be unkind for you to mention or suggest adoption, unless it’s that you’re sharing your own news of adoption of a fur child.
- This may sound obvious but offering your children up or suggesting that your warrior “wouldn’t want the <insert gripe, such as crazy hormones, sleepless nights or crying babies> “ is a huge no-no. It happens a lot so if you think you’ve suggested this to your warrior, they probably haven’t forgotten and it’s ok to apologise for what you didn’t know - in fact they will likely really appreciate it.
Important Moments
Certain celebrations, yearly events and alike can be really tough for infertility warriors.
We have put together a little list of the common moments that are tough for infertility warriors.
These are just a few to provide some understanding. During these times often a check in goes a long way. If in doubt, ask but start with something like "I want to support you the best way possible, are there any special moments or dates we should know are important to you?"
Christmas and New Year
Another year ending, another beginning. The weight is heavy for those thinking about their future/intended family and their dreams.
Another year of trying has passed, which can feel like a loss. Friends and family gatherings often come with well intended but painful questions/comments to infertility warriors.
Baby Announcements, Baby Showers and Similar
Many warriors spend time showering others when the news arrives of a newborn but hide their own pain and struggles. Some warriors even forgo baby shower events. This circumstance is unique to the warrior.
Unique Dates/Loss Anniversary
A loss can be all encompassing and grief is unique with no rules. Triggers can be everywhere, including some dates that hold special moments or tough memories.
Community Feedback
We asked the lovely #infertilitycommunity: what is the nicest thing someone has said/done for you?
- When I lost my baby, this community was AMAZING! I received so many messages of love, flowers, and thoughtful gifts:
- Bears of Hope, Angel figurines, crystal bracelets, pregnancy loss books, even a star in the sky for my baby boy. The love was beyond incredible. It got me out of bed after my loss at 13 weeks. Forever grateful.
- Asking if I’m okay and what I needed instead of giving me their unsolicited advice and opinions! Better then any physical gift!
- People holding me & my stillborn baby in their thoughts, prayers & hearts. Knowing others love my son as I do is priceless & helps my broken heart. I don’t know what I would do without the support of complete strangers who are connected through infertility.
- The nicest thing so far is just friends and family listening. Most people don’t understand but they still care and provide support.
- The nicest thing someone has said as a single mother by choice is that they support my decision and will help me in anyway possible.
- Just to know that they are in my corner. Sometimes just being there and listening is the best support.
- My friend in New Zealand who had also been through IVF sent me a Self Love Care box. It made me feel less alone.
- During our IVF journey our friends and family offering their love, support and time has been the most valuable to me and my partner.
- A close friend (Who is now a grandmother) shared her past fertility difficulties. She is continuing to encourage and pray for me.
- Nurses who have not only cared for me, but importantly cared about me.
- Acknowledging our loss, sending us flowers, card and candle. I just want my baby Little Bean to be remembered.
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